The Cult of Trader Joe's

 

As you read, you may wonder why I'm writing this at all, freely offering a somewhat positive review of my employer. I'm a lowly and aged part-time crew member. Eight hours of my working day is scheduled and controlled by mere children. I've even been "written up" for a stupid-but-honest mistake on the cash register. I offered (and would have been glad) to cover the $39.00, but they refused. By the way, it feels crappy, at nearly 60, to be "written up" by by earnest and grave superiors about the age of your children. The urge to shout, "Oh, now you listen to me, young man!" is hard so suppress. But suppress it one must, until the time comes that you no longer wish to be employed and yet hope to be eligible for unemployment insurance, something I have never in my long life had occasion to collect. You will read some good things about Trader Joe's in this post. If you want the real dope, the dark truth, continue to the end.

At Trader Joe's, they take pride in semi-efficiency, an archaic computer network, semi-controlled chaos, giving, and putting human values over business values. It's a brilliant economic strategy, their secret to making insane amounts of money such that they can reward their employees well above the average retailer, keeping them happy and enthusiastic so that they will continue to treat their customers exceptionally well and keep making insane amounts of money. And they do. Revenue per square foot at Walmart comes is somewhere around $430.00, Whole Foods brings in approximately $900.00; Trader Joe's tops the list at somewhere around $1750.00. In fact, Trader Joe's does top the list of all grocers in sales per square foot. By comparison, Apple stores come in at about $6500.00--but consider the average price of the items they sell. They lead all retailers in this statistic. Trader Joe's, in the words of Tom Leher's "Old Dope Peddler," does well by doing good. Their business model is admirable, better than most retailers in the United States.

Choice is highly overrated . . . or maybe it no longer is. Maybe we're sick of choices. Trader Joe's carries only some 10% of the offerings available in the average grocery chain. At Joe's, a limit on choice is the spice of life, not the bewildering variety offered at most super stores. Try any product they sell. You'll probably find it "spicier" than most of the comparable offerings at Kroger, Safeway, or Albertsons. Maybe too spicy. If so, tell them. Your money will be refunded. They claim to take great pains in finding the best examples of what they sell and offer those to the public. They sell only one ketchup, and it's organic. An entire aisle at Kroger's may be devoted to something to which they devote one shelf at Joe's. They don't even offer a can of beets, not of any brand, but they do offer a single package of  fresh "baby beets." and they're damn good, by the way. They do offer variety in some products. The variety, prices, and quality of cheese and hummus, for instance, are remarkable. You don't like hummus? Oh . . . you will.

Trader Joe's will make front page news when they open their Colorado stores this year. People will be lined up around the block. I was astounded by the number of Colorado (and Texas and Oklahoma and the New Mexico hinterland) customers we get in our Santa Fe store, one reason that out of nearly 400 stores nationwide, we are one of the top five, though in one of the smallest markets. That is, until I understood why.

Why indeed? Why this extreme devotion to a mere grocery store? O, where do I begin? These disclosures will shock and offend many, but as Willie Shakespeare said, "Truth will out." First of all, employees are required to down a hit of of the drug ecstasy at an assigned time during their shift. In case you ever wondered, this explains the extreme "upbeat" attitude of the average employee. A standard hit of the drug will last as many as seven hours. Peace, joy, love, empathy, fun, and sales, baby. The last two hours of employee shifts are spent away from customers, as they suffer the symptoms of coming down from the drug--depression, irritability, and fatigue. You will find these employees in "the box," chilling behind the dairy cooler reloading milk, juice, kefir, and yogurt, cleaning the bathrooms, or stocking pet food. Some will be on "cart runs," returning carts to the entrance. Whatever you do, do not annoy an employee returning carts.

But what of the customers? What about their devotion? Primarily this is due to the air filtration system that both filters out pollutants and adds a low dose of a substance I cannot here disclose into the air supply for customers. This explains their obvious volubility with one another as well as with staff. In most grocery stores people are stressed, irritable, and in a hurry. Not in Trader Joe's. There customers chat, hug, laugh, and dance. I once had one lovely older lady strip down to her waist to show me the marvelous thunderbird tattoo she commisisoned to cover the traces of her mastectomy. We hugged. She was truly beautiful. She was. Customers are also subject to one (undisclosed) additive in the food. Not much, not enough to harm an infant, but just enough to make Trader Joe's food seem a little better, just a cut above the others', a little more delicious . . . spiritual, even.

Lastly, there is the "Fearless Flyer," written by a team of Harvard and Stanford trained behavioral psychologists. Each publication is focus group tested by a random sample of the public who read the flier thoroughly and are then offered the various foods described therein. This process is repeated until the descriptions and the language in the flyer assure maximum human vulnerability to the items described. Sales of these particular items soar wildly after the distribution of each "Fearless Flyer."

It's nothing more than behaviorism. Reward the desired behavior and you'll get that behavior in spades. Reward that behavior not just with good products, but with an insanely friendly staff, substances, good value, and holy writings; well, you've got a cult on your hands, my friend. In the words of L. Ron Hubbard, if you want to get rich, start a religion. In the words of Joe, if you want to get really, really, really rich, start a food-and-love cult, with upbeat acolytes and friendly retail outlets all over the country: The Cult of Trader Joe's.
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